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Release from Addiction:
Addendum to the story of my Awakening
Process
By Rev. Dr. Michael
Milner
There is more to the story of what
Oneness Blessing (Oneness Deeksha) has
done for me than I revealed in my two
previous essays:
My Oneness
Process: An End to Personal Suffering,
the Dawn of Causeless Joy and
Deeper into
Oneness: My Experience of the Advanced
Deepening Course.
Truth is, if I wrote down everything
that Sri Amma and Sri Bhagavan have done
for me, I would need to write a book.
Before I was ready to tell the story of
my release from addiction, I had to
deepen in humility and self-acceptance.
It was a bit embarrassing to me. I had
the idea, and I was sure everyone else
did too, that someone who is a bishop
and a Taoist priest should not be
addicted to anything. Then there is
reality. The problem of addiction is
such a huge a part of human suffering
that I really must tell this story,
since it could help so many people.
Also, I need to give credit to my
beloved Sri Amma and Sri Bhagavan and
openly express my gratitude to them for
setting me free in so many ways and on
so many levels. That said, here is the
next chapter of my story.
Let’s begin with the hard truth.
Until we awaken to Oneness, we are all
addicts, addicted to the illusion of our
separate existence and to the pain
management programs we institute to
perpetuate that mirage.
The illusion of separate existence is
painful to the core. There is always
loneliness, craving for more, fear of
loss and grief. As long as we feel
separate from the Oneness of All Being
we crave what we think we do not have,
we fear losing what little we think we
do possess and we grieve the loss of
things that cannot last forever. This
craving and fear of loss can be for
material things, for spiritual things or
for life itself. On a deep unconscious
level we dread feeling that pain and we
will do anything in our power to avoid
it. This resistance is the cause of our
personal suffering. Anything fully
experienced becomes bliss. Anything in
our life we try to avoid fully
experiencing causes suffering, stress
and “dis-ease”. We create elaborate
programs to escape from these unwanted
experiences and to numb the pain,
thinking this will end the suffering
which is actually caused by our
resistance and craving. These are our
“pain management programs”.
For some of us it might be long hours of
watching TV, shopping sprees, sports,
hobbies, our jobs, sex, romance or even
our intellectual, religious and
spiritual pursuits. For others it is
food addictions and overeating, and the
more obvious chemical dependencies on
alcohol, tobacco and drugs. These are
just a few. The list is practically
endless.
I have been no exception. For many years
it appeared otherwise. I didn’t smoke,
drink, get high or engage in other
outward behavior that we think of as
“addictive”. Although now I can see that
my addictive tendencies were simply more
cleverly disguised. I was an “ordained
holy man”, a Taoist Priest and a Free
Catholic Franciscan Bishop, a healer, a
seemingly “enlightened” teacher, a
contemplative ecstatic mystic and a
spiritual guide to many seekers. Living
continually in the Light of the Divine
Presence, I traveled the world over and
witnessed many miracles, healings and
spiritual transformations in my own life
and in the lives of others.
Then one day the bottom fell out of my
life. The Spiritual Light seemed to be
eclipsed. My prayer life, meditation,
and other spiritual practices no longer
brought any comfort. Bliss and ecstasy
disappeared. Ideas about myself and
about the Divine were shattered. I felt
abandoned by my beloved God. I lost
almost everything and everyone that
mattered to me. I was face to face with
what remained of my false self, and it
wasn’t pretty. I had been immersed in
the Divine Presence for so many years, I
had no idea there was so much darkness
left in me. As a man of God, I felt like
a failure, and for 15 years I suffered
deeply.
This
part of the spiritual journey is rooted
in our need for "self-acceptance" and is
often called the "Dark Night of the
Soul". As the process of collective
human awakening unfolds, Divine Grace is
making the "dark night" passage shorter
and less intense or altogether
unnecessary, but in the past virtually
everyone on the spiritual path went
through it at one time or another and it
lasted for years.
In his treatise, Dark Night of the
Soul, St. John of the Cross
describes three temptations that assail
seekers during their passage through the
“Dark Night” experience. These are
dizziness, blasphemy and fornication:
“dizziness” because our heads are
spinning, our assumptions about
ourselves and the Divine are shattered,
and we no longer know what to believe or
what to do, “blasphemy” because we tend
to blame the Divine for allowing this to
happen to us, and “fornication” because
at this point we might consider any
number of forbidden pleasures to numb
the pain and make ourselves feel better
for even a little while.
Among various pain management programs I
tried during this period of my life were
tobacco, alcohol and marijuana. A Taoist
shaman can do whatever he likes. An
Irish Franciscan Catholic priest is
allowed to smoke and drink. The
marijuana was harder to justify, but it
is after all an herb sacred to Lord
Shiva and to a host of Indian Sadhus and
Yogis. It seems to temporarily unblock
painfully bound-up energies and for a
short time releases the sufferer into
higher states. By the end of my 15 year
ordeal I got to the point where I
smoked 2 packs of cigarettes,
drank a pint of blue agave tequila and
used marijuana every day. It didn’t end my
suffering, but it certainly numbed the
pain. I wanted to free myself from these
addictions, but I felt powerless to do
so, even though I continued to follow a
daily regimen of deep meditation, prayer
and Taoist qigong.
Then I experienced the Grace of Sri Amma
Bhagavan and began to receive Oneness Blessings (also
known as Oneness Deekshas). You can read about my
experiences in greater detail in the
essay
My Oneness
Process: An End to Personal Suffering, the Dawn
of Causeless Joy.
After I had received Oneness Blessings
weekly for about a month, I began to feel really
awful about my separate self,
my destructive habits and my addictions.
One day as I got ready to go home from
work I said, “Bhagavan I am helpless.
Please set me free. Erase my “separate
self”. Free me from my suffering and
addiction. Let’s get this over with. I
have been struggling with this false
self as long as I can remember. Long
enough, I’m done. I give up. Help me!”
As I got in my car to drive home I heard
a voice within me quote the Bible
saying, “Happy is the man who does not
condemn himself for the things which he
allows.” This was followed by laughter.
I recognized the statement as a quote
from St. Paul in his Epistle to the
Romans (Romans 14:22). Initially I
thought it was Christ or the Holy Spirit
speaking to me. I have experienced this
many times over the years. But the
laughter was different. Somehow, I knew
it was Sri Bhagavan quoting the Bible to
me and laughing. It spoke volumes. This
section of Romans says that there are no
hard and fast rules about what you can
or cannot do on the spiritual path. Just
try to avoid things that might cause
others to stumble, and if you decide to
allow yourself to do something
controversial, don’t condemn yourself
for it. Bhagavan’s humor and laughter
immediately set my heart at ease.
I said, “Bhagavan, I’m impressed. You
knew that Paul was my patron saint.” I
am the Bishop of the Free Catholic
Diocese of St. Paul, and for years I
taught the revelation of St. Paul
concerning the Mystery of God-within us
– the Indweller. Evidently, Bhagavan
knew all about that. He also knew the
Bible quite well. He knew that I would
recognize the passage from Romans and
would understand the deeper meaning. I
said, “You knew that verse would free me
from my self judgment.”
Bhagavan answered, “Michael, I know you
better than you know yourself. Smoking
and drinking and using marijuana are not
the real problem. If you want to quit
these things, it’s easy, I will help
you. The real problem is what underlies
those habits and needs to be healed deep
inside of you. I am going to heal those
things. I am working in you right now at
a depth you cannot even imagine.”
Suddenly it struck me. I understood how
vast the consciousness was of the One
who was speaking to me. The depth of his
insight and intelligence was staggering!
I stopped my car at a red light and
said, “Bhagavan you scare me.”
“I’m going to heal that too," he replied
(referring to my fear). Then he added,
"Do you want the gift of Awakening I am offering
you?”
“Yes” I answered, and in the next
instant I saw Sri Bhagavan’s hand appear
before me. Brilliant light came swirling
out of his hand, filling me completely.
I dissolved in the Divine Presence. I
couldn’t find my body or the car. I
said, “Bhagavan, the light is going to
change soon. I need my body.” Just as
the light turned green, I was back in my
body and it began to drive the car quite
well all by itself.
I said “That’s impressive, but what
about Christ? He’s my Antaryamin (the
Indweller, the God-within me).”
“I’ve already spoken to Him. It’s
alright. You’re “on loan” for this
project. Ask Him yourself. I’ve also
spoken with your Taoist master. He’s ok
with it, too. You are coming to India.”
I did ask Jesus. Bhagavan was right.
Christ assured me that there is no
conflict between my devotion to Him and
the mission of the Oneness Movement. My
Taoist master wrote me soon after this.
He always signed his letters “Moving
with the Tao”, but this one was signed
“Toward the Great Oneness”. That was my
answer.
Since then, Sri Bhagavan and Sri Amma
have spoken to me often. I see and hear
them clearly inside of me. It is not a
question of who lives in me, Christ or
Amma Bhagavan. There is only One Supreme
Consciousness manifest in myriad forms.
It is that Divine Consciousness who
lives in me expressing and experiencing
it-Self through me, as “me”. The
“separate self” I was begging Bhagavan
to erase never actually existed. It was
a mirage.
I was
completely free from tobacco, alcohol
and marijuana. Overnight I went from
smoking 2
packs of cigarettes, drinking a pint of tequila
and using marijuana every day to nothing at
all. There were no struggles, no
cravings, no gradual reduction of intake
and no symptoms of withdrawal or
detoxification. I was simply liberated
overnight by Divine Grace! Thank you
Amma Bhagavan!
Soon after this, one evening during a
teleconference I received an Oneness
Blessing. It was sent
with the intention of giving us Grace to
more fully experience our suffering. Sri Bhagavan teaches that anything fully
experienced turns to Bliss. Strangely,
this was the first time I received an
Oneness Blessing and felt absolutely
nothing. The next morning I still felt
nothing. As the day progressed I felt
even more nothing. It took most of the
day for it to dawn on me that in this
case to feel nothing was a good thing,
because out of that inner nothing began
to emerge permanent causeless joy! You
see, my personal suffering had vanished
just as completely and mysteriously as
my addictions had. 15 years of intense
suffering finally came to an end! From
that day to this, neither the suffering
nor the addictions have returned.
Instead I experience continually deeper
Love, Joy and Peace in the Divine
Presence.
This happened prior to my 21 Day Process
in India. Before I ever got to India I
was already the happiest, most grateful
man on earth! In India during the 21 Day
Process and later during the Advanced
Deepening course I experienced even more
blessing. I came to experience
profoundly that the One who is aware of
being “Michael” is the Divine Presence
itself, expressing and experiencing
its-Self through me. There is no one
else at home here, and there never was.
The “separate self” never existed. Man
and God are two ends of the same
reality. You could actually say that
there is no Experience-r or
Experience-d, only the Experiencing,
only Divine Awareness. That’s all that
exists. The entire Universe is none
other than the Divine Consciousness
expressing and experiencing its-Self.
But more profound than all the cosmic
experiences and insights I have had
during this amazing journey of awakening
to Oneness is the insight that the
heart of awakening is SELF ACCEPTANCE,
accepting ourselves as we really are
with all of our strengths and weaknesses
and without any attempt to cover them up.
Resistance is futile and is the cause of
great suffering. That's it. No Big Bang.
It's not about being "zapped" into some
higher mystical state. It's about SELF
ACCEPTANCE. That's what opens the door
to LOVE, to the FLOWERING OF THE HEART,
to the AWARENESS, BLISS and JOY of the
Present Moment, to ONENESS and FREEDOM
from "the illusion of a separate self"
with its "craving and personal
suffering", its addictions and pain
management programs and finally blossoms
into the living experience of GOD
REALIZATION. That's it, just SELF
ACCEPTANCE. How beautiful and simple can
it be? And it's all the work of DIVINE
GRACE!
When we become aware of ourselves and
accept ourselves as we are, without
judgment or resistance, acknowledging
our helplessness to change and invite
the Divine Presence, then Grace comes,
and a shift takes place. Freedom is at
the Door!
St. Paul looked back at his life. He had
been known as Saul of Tarsus, an
arrogant, self-centered persecutor of
the Disciples of Christ. As he rode on
horseback toward Damascus with orders
from the high priest in Jerusalem to
imprison and execute all the Christians
he could find, he was struck from his
horse by a blinding flash of light from
Heaven, from Christ Himself. When he
arose he had been transformed into St.
Paul the Apostle, destined to become one
of the greatest Disciples of Jesus
Christ. In retrospect he concluded (I am
paraphrasing) “I am what I am by Divine
Grace alone. I was the chief of all
sinners. If the Divine did this for me,
it was to serve as an example for all of
humanity, to let all people know that
this same Grace, this same Unconditional
Love, can and will help anyone and
everyone.” These are my sentiments
exactly. I believe my release from
addiction, suffering and the cravings of
the separate self are a sign to all of
the Divine Grace which is available to
everyone who wishes to be free.
In eternal Gratitude I offer my life in
Seva (service) to the Divine. May all
humanity awaken to Oneness and enter the
Life of Grace and Joy! May the whole
World become Golden! Amma Bhagavan
Saranam! (“saranam” means “I
surrender”).
"I pray... That they all may be one; as
thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee,
that they also may be one in us... one
even as we are one: I in them, and thou
in me, that they may be made perfect in
one..." - Jesus Christ
(John 17:20-23)
To read a personal profile, click:
Bio of Rev. Dr. Michael Milner, Ph.D.
To read more about Michael's
spiritual journey,
click these links:
My
Oneness Process: An End to Personal
Suffering, the Dawn of Causeless Joy
Deeper Into Oneness: My Experience of
the Advanced Deepening Course
To
learn more about Oneness Blessing (Oneness
Deeksha),
Click
here for the Index of Articles
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2007 by Oneness Florida |
